I’ve taken to listening to this song over and over whenever I start seriously thinking about pursuing a relationship. I know deep down that it represents the inevitable end to the relationship and the pain that I cause in the process.
I feel like I’ve given up the privilege of being in a relationship based on 1: the plethora of relationship related bad choices I’ve made all my life and (more importantly) 2: my apparent ambivalence to wanting to change those behaviors. I just keep going ’round and ’round, doing the same things, NOT expecting a different result. I generally can’t trust my feelings or my thoughts, so spending time resetting expectations feels like an exercise in futility.
I’m seeing various scenarios for new relationships popping up all over the place it seems. Several girls that I’ve been talking to for years are all of a sudden single or are about to be. A couple of whom I really, really like a lot. I start to get excited and begin to think of all the possibilities, but then I realize that although their situations have changed, I remain the same. Then it’s the inevitable catch 22: I want to be with someone that I really like (obviously), but I feel that if I really like them that much then I would never want them to date someone like me.